It’s like the universe wants me to develop an eating disorder. I am developing some awful throat-cold just as soon as my mouth starts to heal up from the dentist. It already feels like I’m swallowing shards of glass. Yesterday it felt like a slight tickle.
And you know, my life is a mess. My apartment is a mess. I have to bake two birthday cakes and make enchiladas for Ben this week. And now, because my coworkers are assholes about sharing germs, I am
Sick. On the most important week. Super. Awesome. Did I mention my wayward period also arrived?
I must have been a real cunt in a former life.
I just want to be a good partner and help my love have an amazing birthday. Is that really so much to ask?
I am depressed. To the point where even going through the motions seems like so much work. But there’s too much to be done for me to take time out to even attempt to work out feeling better.
At home and at work, there is nothing but mess and chaos.
Also, am I really so terrible to be friends with? I am afraid I’m going to feel alone for the rest of my life. I don’t know if I ever learned how to make friends. I try. I started getting my coworkers to hang out, but it seems they’re hanging out together without me. I guess it’s to be expected; they’re boys and they all have more in common, but work is where I spend most of my waking life here, and I don’t know where you go to make friends outside of work. I’ve tried the bar, but those people never text/call/ask to hang out outside of the bar—except for a half-assed invitation the day before to drive two hours to see a show I’m not really interested in.
My phone never rings/pings. I am always the first to reach out. I feel like the friendships I did have, have waned to the point of near-nonexistence. Don’t give me that crap about people being busy. I work a 60 hour work week and still I miss people. And facebook and texting is lame. I just wanna hear their voices. But it’s never a good time; they can never carve out substantial time to talk to me.
Don’t get me started on my relationships with family. All I ever wanted was for them to be proud, but then didn’t actually do anything worth being proud about, so I can’t really be upset at their lack of enthusiasm towards me.
I have lost all motivation to better myself—health and physically. The mild starvation from having my teeth worked on is counterbalanced by soda and mashed potatoes. Then I hate myself, but it’s this cycle. I’m too tired to make real food (not that I can really eat it right now), but then upset that when I eat quick food.
I just wanna go away for a long while. Find some beach and sell coconuts and never tell anyone where I am. And maybe when I get okay with myself, I’d come back. Or maybe not.
EDIT: one my favorite bands is coming this month to Portland. I have texted everyone I know here, and offered to drive AND cover their tickets and no one will come. This is most distressing and just another sprinkle on this fuck-cake.
so i cleared my throat today and
and then someone poked me in the side so I laughed
and THEN I FUCKING SNEEZED
and that’s what it’s like being on the second day of your period
i hope this has been educational
gross, but accurate. now gimme all the chocolate and salty things and get the fuck outta my way.